Document:TAC Fortified Milk

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Mail and GarbageIn, South Africa
2 December 2006

Treatment Action Campaign chairman Zachie Ackmat called on governments today to make HIV-fighting antiretroviral medicines (ARVs) widely available in commercial food products.

"The denialists Mbeki and Manto have only gotten 25,000 people onto ARVs," he said to a special WHO working session on the African AIDS crisis. "Because our government is being run by murderers, we have to find alternative means of getting these life-saving medicines to the millions of people who need them."

Noting that "children are now drinking milk that is fortified with harmful vitamins like D, C and E," Ackmat proposed removing those vitamins and replacing them with antiretroviral medicines like Nevirapine, 3TC, AZT and Combivir.

His proposal was greeted with enthusiasm by Dr. Pontius Piot, head of the UN's AIDS program. "We've been looking for a way to get the deadly vitamins and minerals out of milk, and to get more ARVs into the Africans who desperately need them," he said. "Zachie's idea seems to accomplish both objectives."

Former President Bill Clinton, head of the Clinton Foundation and a strong supporter of ARVs, said in a speech that Ackmat's idea was a good start but that "we need to do more."

"Right now we only put essential nutrients like fluoride, PCBs, dioxin and pesticides into Africans' drinking water," said Clinton. "If we could also add ARVs to the reservoirs, think of all the little children whose lives we could save."

Clinton was paid US $800,000 for his five minute talk. He later denied that his foundation was funded by drug and chemical interests.

Clinton's idea stimulated the conference and soon other participants were making suggestions excitedly. Professor Marc Wainberk of the International Aids Society suggested putting ARVs in the ice cream that children buy at convenience stores. "We should target the really luscious flavors like chocolate coconut and strawberry sundaes...the ones these kids can't resist," he said.

Dr. Robert Jello, discoverer of the Aids virus, proposed that ARVs be used as condiments. "If we could get someone to write an ARV cookbook in Zulu, it would be a best-seller," said the legendary scientist. He suggested that fast food restaurants in black South African villages be subsidized to provide foods like "arvburgers" at low cost, and even promote them to children with clowny characters like "Arvey McGarvey."

Famed Aids expert Dr. Robert Ha liked that idea and also suggested covertly slipping ARVs into salt and pepper shakers in black neighborhoods of South Africa.

Professor Magkoba of the Medicines Control Council said there was no need to be so undercover, and that a more open way to get people to ingest the ARVs would be to put AZT and d4T pills inside Twinkies, and give these to hungry people on the street for free. "We could use the food as bait, and when the darkies eat the food, they get the ARVs," he said, crediting the idea to his good friend, US Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas. "Twinkies are known for providing excellent nutrition, so we will also be helping to alleviate the malnutrition problem in South Africa."

Dr. Anthony Faust of the US National Institutes of Health blurted that they could tell South Africans that the pills are penis enlarger pills but then quickly withdrew his suggestion. "What would be the point of a pill like that? Their penises are already so big you could use them as telephone poles," he said.

Hoo Wiang Lee, PhD, of the WHO's Shanghai office said that Chinese manufacturers could package "A-Z Tea" specially for the South African export market.

Clinton was emphatic that the ARV-containing food products must not be labelled. "Just as with my administration's policy of not labelling foods as genetically modified, similarly we must not label these foods as containing ARVs. That would only worry the people unnecessarily," he said.

Dr. Poopalot Kwanuzalata of the WHO proposed an "ARVs for Vitamins" swap, a program that would encourage the biotechnology industry to use genetic modification to strip the dangerous vitamins, minerals and amino acids from food and replace them with healthful, life-giving ARVs at the molecular level. "Then they are in every cell of the food, and you don't need to plant the medicines surreptitiously," he said. "This is more efficient."

The meeting was interrupted by the sudden, uninvited appearance of German sauerkraut vendor Matthias Rath, dressed in lederhosen and wearing a Nazi armband. Rath's Foundation is trying to kill South Africans by giving them vitamins and denying them ARVs.

"You people are crazy," yelled the huffing, puffing, perspiring robber baron. "These ARVs are poison. They cause liver failure, muscle wasting, anemia, vomiting, diarrhea, cancer, blindness, bone disintegration, heart attacks, strokes, nerve damage, skin death and immune cell destruction. This is well documented in the medical literature. Vitamins, on the other hand, are essential to life on earth and proven to combat many lethal diseases including Aids."

Ackmat immediately accused Rath of impersonating a scientist. "This man is going around making speeches, claiming to be a distinguished medical doctor," Ackmat screamed. "He's making wild claims, saying he worked with two-time Nobel laureate Dr. Linus Pauling and has many publications in scientific journals. All lies! We know they're lies because we've never read these alleged 'facts' in our newspapers. Our newspapers and TV sets tell us the truth – that Rath is a pickle salesman and vitamin hawker."

Rath has flung reckless accusations at TAC and the Medicines Control Council, claiming they are being funded by the pharmaceutical industry. He has even implied that the pharmaceutical industry is interested in making profits from ARVs, and is not motivated solely by humanitarian concerns.

Ackmat, who is HIV positive and on ARVs, recently suffered a heart attack and also had nerve damage in his legs so severe that he was unable to walk, due to the toxic vitamins in the milk he drinks. The Nobel Peace Prize nominee evoked memories of great humanitarians like Dr. Martin Luther King when he reiterated passionately that the TAC is not a "pharmaceutical industry front," rather is the front line of defense for the human rights of black South Africans. "We have a dream," he said. "We want to help little Sambo and Rastus to get the ARVs they need so they can grow up to be productive basketball players and tap dancers."

Rath stands to earn over 970 billion dollars in 2005 by peddling his deadly vitamins in South Africa, informed sources tell the Mail and GarbageIn. Rath is also rumored to be wanted on child molestation charges in the Republic of Malivia, according to our information. His dog Martha has fleas and Rath likes to dance the Beer Barrel Polka naked with former strippers involved in ethnic cleansing in Croatia.

While gorging on one of his oversized knockwursts heavy with sauerkraut and dripping drool down his cheeks, the Hitler-worshipping Rath babbled that the media, South Africa's noble watchdogs of freedom, democracy and impartiality, are slanting their reporting against him.

His spokesman, noted denialist mouthpiece Anthony ("Tony Baloney") Brink, a man known to have had sex with women repeatedly, to have practiced philately, and rumored to have even sucked his own mother's breasts, insisted that the media are in league with the pharmaceutical interests and are deliberately trying to discredit Rath and his associates. He also claims that mutant lizard-cowboys from the planet Saturn were behind the JFK assassination, no doubt.

As the WHO meeting concluded, Dr. Pontius Piot commented, "It was a most productive brainstorming session. That's what happens when you get the finest, most dedicated minds in science together in one room."

"Now we need to find a way to make sure that these ARV-fortified foods get on the shelves in the supermarkets in black townships, only the black ones, not the white ones, because it's the black townships that need the help."

"The first priority is to get more funding to get these programs underway," he said.

© 2006 by Marcel Girodian
Originally published at "You Bet Your Life"